Perhaps you know the feeling of being a people pleaser all too well: you feel like a pushover, you make your decisions based on what you think will make someone else comfortable, and you don’t know where your own desires begin and someone else’s end. You may think this makes you more likable or appear easygoing. But the reality is it really does the opposite. When you people please, you aren’t living life according to your rules, and your true self gets buried under the surface. What’s at the heart of people pleasing and what can we do to honor ourselves instead? Here are some ideas.

Low view of ourselves. If you think of yourself as “less than” other people, you’re more likely to put their needs ahead of your own. Another way this manifests is if you feel worthless when you aren’t helping someone else.

Anxiety. Having social anxiety can lead to people pleasing. Maybe you’re afraid of fitting in with the crowd or being rejected. Nowadays, you may be constantly aware of offending someone and that leads to just wanting to please others rather than paying proper attention to what you want.

Avoiding conflict. If you don’t like to potentially have (what could be perceived as) negative interactions with others, it could lead to you just going along with what others want. A lot of people use this tactic to avoid having any kind of disagreement with another person.

It’s in your culture. How you grow up, and even how your parents grew up too, affects how you interact with others. So does the dynamic within your community or even your country of origin. For example, utter selflessness and disregard for your own needs may be seen as a virtue in your family or community. This will impact how much you want to please others.

Now that we’ve looked at a few reasons why we people please, what are a few strategies we can use to honor our own wishes instead?

Realize you’re not helping your relationships. This may be counter-intuitive to you, but only trying to please your partner, friends, or family can actually hurt your relationships. It’s important to be authentic and true to yourself to foster the best connections. This doesn’t mean you hurt others’ feelings but rather share your real feelings with others so your mutual bond grows.

Grow your self-awareness. Self-awareness is important to people pleasing because when we can be introspective, we look at our thoughts with wonder and respect, rather than judgment. It’s this level of awareness that gives us more control over our impulses to just please other people rather than look at our own needs.

Accept how important it is to be authentic. We hear people talk about being authentic a lot, but what it really means is to understand we are all unique and our values are also unique. When we have differing values, we can’t always honor our own if we are constantly trying to do what other people want.

Know what it takes to promote growth within yourself. When we people please, we are likely trying to avoid problems (or conflicts). However, it is during these times of working out issues and problems that we have the most growth. The urge to squash issues quickly by pleasing others may be what’s holding back your growth.

Take care of your anxiety. Anxiety causes us to act on impulse and without meaning to, causes even more anxiety in our lives. It’s important to address anxiety the best you can. Learning techniques to deal with anxious thoughts, rather than just going along with others to avoid them, is the best way to overcome your urge to people please.